Nineteen

In order to cope with certain things, I tend to turn them into jokes. Literally, an hour and a half ago I was joking around about something serious with Meg. I came home to an email saying that Donna's mom passed away this morning. She was fighting cancer for a long time now, it probably was at it's worst around the time I moved to Barrie. I literally just sat here staring at the computer screen, feeling so stupid and ignorant. Much how I've been feeling all day.

Two nights ago, Rae told us the very heavy story about her two friends that passed away, and since then I've had all these mixed emotions about how I view my life. There are moments in the day when i know I'm taking it for granted or being selfish and unrealistic. There are also moments when I look at the people that surround me every day and can't help but feel lucky that I'm surrounded by amazing, caring, one of a kind friends and family members. But today all that kept coming to mind, and as morbid as it sounds, was "if i were to find out i was dying, would I happy knowing I was going as the person I currently am? At the moment, I could probably say yes. Life is definitely something I couldn't possibly find a way to complain about. It's summer, I'm working, finding out and learning about new friends (and old), and just plain and simply smiling. Walking with Rae the other day, I was saying how there have been so many nights lately that so far make up "one of those summers". The kind where you look back and say "that was such a fun summer" and recite endless stories, barely being able to make it through from all the laughter while telling them. But something always finds it's way into making that perfection pull a 360; and I think the only reason for that, is because I let it. and why? Things happen, people say the wrong things, have the wrong opinions and views, break hearts, change, make mistakes, back stab. Money isn't always at a perfect flow, work doesn't always bring laid back days. It's not always sunny and it most definitely is not always the weekend. However, all those things are normal, and if they come once a month, then i should just be getting used to them, anticipating the end of it. Instead of letting myself slouch on a computer chair for hours, thinking of how unfortunately life is at the moment. When people are passing away, and leaving families and friends behind, or battling incurable diseases.

I'm in a weird head space today, but hopefully that'll change. Or get worse. But even at that, I can say that I'm lucky and wouldn't trade my life with anyone's, ever. Everyone that has been around me these past few months, (I don't even have to point you out) you are what's making my life feel charmed. And everyone who has been around for years, you're probably the reason there's always that counter 360 after a shitty day or week.