this is something that i need to get off my chest, but don't really have the strength to talk about verbally. It's after three o'clock in the morning and i can't sleep because i have about a million thoughts running through my head. I apologize if it's long, you don't even have to read it. I just need to get it out and that's as simple as i can put it.
A little over a month ago, my grandfather was hospitalized and we later found out that he has stomach cancer. As heavy as it was to take, the family sucked it up and managed to stay strong for him. He was sent back home, but nothing was ever really back to the way every one sort of hoped it would be. He seemed to become more depressed then sick as the days went on, and with that, lost energy and strength to do the daily things he loved to do. On friday he was back in the hospital because he didn't even have the strength to stand up. He's still there and waiting to begin radiation on Monday. With all of this going on, no one thought anything else could happen, or be worse. However, my grandmother, who recently fell ill with what we thought was the flu, couldn't get out of bed yesterday and was taken to the hospital by ambulance. She is now in isolation, and the doctor's aren't quite sure what she has yet. To make it as straight forward as possible though, it's not good.
In the twenty years that i've been around, i've been fortunate enough to have a family that was able to see eachother every sunday. We made the effort to get together, and just be in the same room for a few hours and hear all the stories, jokes, and even fights we had to share. Not alot of families have that. Regardless of how often everyone complained about eachother, argued, yelled at the top of their lungs, there we were, in the dinning room crowded around the table, just happy we were in that moment. More importantly though, in my twenty years, i've had such a blessed, charmed life, to be able to say that i've never lost anyone close to me. ever. Which makes it all the harder. I'm not being a pessimist about this, but one can't help but have it in the back of their minds that they might not make it out of the hospital. To make matters worse, they may never see eachother again. Because my grandmother is in isolation, and because of my grandfather's condition, they aren't allowed to be in the same room. They can't talk, can't laugh, can't say they love eachother or kiss eachother, face to face, and it kills me to know that the last time they got to do that was a few days ago, without knowing it could be the last.
This is alot for me to take, and something i'd rather not talk about or be asked about. I've never gone through something like this, and to be honest, i don't know how to get through it.
My mother called me crying tonight saying that my grandfather asked her to tell my grandmother that he said goodnight, and vice versa. My grandparents love eachother. They've devoted themselves to eachother for over 50 years. Their love is real, raw and unconditional. Their love is the kind that doesn't exist anymore. Now they can't even say goodnight. It breaks my heart knowing that two people who would do anything for one another, just straight up can't.
If it weren't for the two of them,my family wouldn't be what it is. They were the backbone of it all, the ends of the table, the ones that would do anything it took to keep their family together and happy. They've taken in girlfriends, boyfriends, and friends of each and every member of the family, and made them feel welcome regardless of what they thought of them. It scares me that if they don't get better, sunday dinners won't exist anymore. And the fact that i've been bailing on them recently, makes me feel like i've taken them for granted.
I don't want to deal with this at all. I don't like seeing them like this, seeing my mother cry, or the rest of my family upset for that matter. I'm sorry if i seem ignorant to it, but it's just my way of dealing with it.
I really needed to talk about it, and this was the best I can do. It's probably nobody's business, really. But if i seem down, instead of asking and reminding me of it, this is what's up. I hope it turns out for the best in the end, and obviously i'm hoping it will. I love them with all my heart and can do nothing but be positive about this.
