Twenty Six

Drinking out of Rae's water bottle, sharing the same straw with her, even telling her to cough all over her hand while we shared the same bag of popcorn, felt like a good idea at the time. I just wanted to be voiceless as well so I could get off work and still feel good enough to enjoy the weather. Well, yesterday the little coughs at work started and i thought to myself "this is great, we're moving fast". then when i got home last night i found myself making a tea cause my throat felt a little scratchy. then i woke up at around 1:45am last night and that was the end. my throat felt like something died in it, i couldn't stop coughing and for some odd reason kept running to the bathroom cause i thought i was going to puke. It's 6:30am right now and although i should be sleeping for another 45 minutes, i can't. They have me working from 7am to 5 pm for two weeks cause a girl went on vacation and forgot to arrange for a replacement, so of course they came to me. it's going to be one of those weeks. (or two)

my visa is finally paid off. completely. forever.

Twenty Five

i would like to congratulate myself on only going out once during this week, and sleeping in my own bed every night this weekend. i would also like to congratulate myself for having a good sum of money in my bank account and not blowing it all in two days, and instead saving it. perhaps that responsibility thing that has taken so long to get through my thick skull, finally dug it's way through. (or is testing it's toes in the water and will later decide the water is too cold, and i'll be out every night spending money on vodka waters)

i was going through pictures today. i really wish my mother would have told me how awful my choices in style were as i was growing up. but what baffles the mind, and without trying to sound conceded, cause really i can't wrap my head around it, how in the world did i actually pick up boys looking like that?! i was what i would now consider a mutant. but none the less, there i was making out with several people every night i went to foufs. (classy, i know) maybe they were mutants too. probably. come to think of it, yes. (i'm sorry if you are reading this and i made out with you at foufs when i was younger...meg this doesn't apply to you, you're pretty and non-mutant-like...wait, back then, maybe a LITTLE)

i've been looking into taking ballet classes again. i used to be really good, and even though i would probably be considered the fat, confused kid in the class, i think i could really get back into the hang of it. plus i would get to buy pretty aa clothes to wear while doing it. yoga and pilates are fun, but the girl on the video tape looks like my doctor, and it kinda scares me. (my computer just told me i spelt "pilates" wrong, and as options to fix it, it gave me: plates, dilates, palates, and pirates. really?)

Well i'm off to bed, i know it's pretty early, but i'm exausted. the closing fireworks were amazing tonight. it was the perfect ending. i actually kinda had goosebumps while they were playing "what a wonderful world" as they were going on. It was like that scene in the sandlot where they all just stop playing baseball and watch the fireworks. except we weren't playing baseball. and it isn't the 60s. and of course there was no giant dog to be afraid of.

Twenty Four

so there are finally a cluster of things I would like to talk about; and no, it's not just a boring recap on my "oh so eventful" days/nights. First off, I've realized how incredibly boring my blogs have become. I'm sorry. They're either about how I was belligerent the previous night, or some sort of serious, overly worded entry about something I end up getting over after a goodnight's sleep. After reading Tyler Hilton's blogs with Meg last night (yes, we do 12 year old girl things) I realized mine need to be spiced up, less serious, just about random thoughts that are literally in my head for 2 seconds. Like this columbia house bit Ii just joined. Three quarters of the world can probably complain that they got suckered into the 5 dvds for .49 cents bit and then later billed for amounts they can't even explain. But, the colorful adds and catalogue of endless "hot titles" was just screaming "BUY ME!" so, none the less, I ran upstairs and ordered V for Vendetta, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Brick, Amelie, and James Dean. All for 7.40$. Do you think all the employees are sitting with their feet on their desks going "we got another one, now BILL HER!" in some sort of evil echoed voice? Wait a minute, what do you think the chances are of Tyler Hilton coming across this blog? I mean, the boy blogs, who's to say he doesn't google himself in blogs and reads what strangers write about him. Clearly the chances are slim to none, but so are the chances of winning the lottery and it comes just as a surprise to everyone. If my chances are between slim to none, Tyler Hilton, I love you. You look good as Elvis and I think we should bang and write music right after instead of spooning. (Do you think Tyler Hilton is a spooner? He's probably the type to make you drape yourself over him with your head on his shoulder and your leg over his stomach, while all you get is his arm suffocating you as you're trying to NOT solely breathe in his arm pit sweat.)

Anyways, now that I've completely lost my train of though, I'm going to do yoga, and by that, I mean lay on the floor performing the exercises half assed and hope by chance to get into shape. Monday, Tuesday and Thursday have been dubbed my nights off, and therefore are perfect for quality Aleasha time.

Last fireworks on Saturday. (and no, it does not mark the end of something. although you are right about the chapter, which I think was pretty much written into a corner, there are still many more to come, and perhaps a short stories series in the future?)

Twenty Three

I'm making an attempt at not going out all week. (With the exception of the fireworks on Wednesday, but it's straight home right after) Summer can be such a distraction, and as much as I'm having a blast, I still feel like I haven't had much time to myself, and to do the things I like to do. I picked up my guitar today and it was so out of tune from sitting there, and my fingers hurt from playing. I can't remember when the last time I painted or drew was, and there are lots of books and movies I want to get through. It also feels like I'm just doing the same thing every night; and I'm not saying I'm tired of it or bored, I just don't think going downtown every single night of the week to drink is a good idea. Especially with how far I live. I need to settle down a bit, and put my attention to different things that I've been ignoring.

I started doing yoga to get rid of Toby the belly (go ahead, make fun of me) but I feel so relaxed after doing it, and hopefully I'll feel skinnier too. Alot of people think I'm absolutely crazy for wanting to lose weight, but I just want to fix myself up, on account of letting myself go lately.

I don't have much to report, and feel like I haven't had much to talk about these past few days. Maybe things will pick up soon. I have a week off in August and I think I'm going to spend a few days in Toronto (since it's been forever), maybe go to Barrie for a night then try to go to a few warped tour dates to see some people I haven't seen in awhile.

I found my Billie Holiday cd,

I'm in love.

Twenty Two

Does it make me selfish that I'm making something worse for someone else, so that's it's better for me? I have a problem with distancing myself from people when I know they're going to leave me. When in reality, I should be with them every second because they're leaving me. The truth of it all is that when I left Montreal last spring, I think deep down inside, I knew I would be back in a few months; and what scares me, is that I know you won't. You're there for good, cause you've found someone for good. I'm sorry you feel distant from a lot of people at the moment, but I love you to death and nothing will ever change that. I'm sorry I'm not around as much, but you know me and my method of coping, it's childish, but it's the only thing that will work.

I spent the night at home last night. I'm not even remotely close to kidding when I say I haven't done that in about a month. My dad was working until midnight and my mom is in Vermont, therefore it was the quietest night I've had in awhile. Rae went home until Thursday and Andrew was just as tired as I was. So i did some laundry, showered, cleaned my room, looked for cottages in Cape Cod with Andrew on the phone, scrap booked for a bit the went to bed. All things that I've been meaning to do for a long time.

Twenty One

Friday night at the W was quite successful, many vodka waters were had, and many tumbles were taken. Tumbles off of cushioned chairs, marble tables and taxi cabs. I couldn't see, and i vomited in marc's tomato plants. However, it was amazing and will be talked about for awhile. Blake is in town, so him and meg came out. (drunk meg, who i haven't seen in awhile, came out at the end of the night, causing her to leave a little early). Rae and I (Minus the third line to our triangle) met up with Jason and it was chaos from there. (Chaos in the sense of my parents would be very disappointed in my brother and I) I feel a little embarassed on how sloppy we were. I usually rip girls apart that are like that.

Saturday night was the most pathetic night of my entire life. Everyone had somewhere to go and Rae and I sat in her living room eating chips and dip listening to Rihanna on repeat. Then finally we went to meet up with Mikey at Bif Tec, but that sucked so we went to B Side in attempts to find found, but found nothing but fat girls. It didn't help that we were beyond tired and still hungover either.

Sunday was Andrew's return to Montreal. There were signs, apple pies, bike lessons, happy birthdays and cruises down montrea's busiest streets involved. I'm really happy he'e back, it seriously did feel like something was missing all weekend; but now something is going to be missing most of the week. Rae is going back home for a few days, so now it's just me and Andrew.

I'm not ready for it to be Monday, nor am I prepared to work on a day like today. It's gorgeous outside, and i sort of wish i hadn't taken advantage of yesterday's beautiful weather. As soon as work is out, i'm sitting outside.

Twenty

sean fimio, i love you to death. (even though you make me angry by deciding to live under a rock once a month.) you always seem to manage to know when to pop up and make me feel better. you always know what to say, i miss you so much. feel better bebe.

today was kinda rough, but tomorrow is tomorrow, and that means a new day. just want to get a lot of stuff sorted out and off my mind. i can't help but feel kind of disappointed in people tonight as well.

anyways, i don't really have much to say. This song has been stuck in my head all night.

Modest Mouse - Missed The Boat

While we're on the subject
Could we change the subject now?
I was knocking on your ears
Don't worry, you were always out
Looking towards the future
We were begging for the past
Well we knew we had the good things
But those never seemed to last
Oh please just last

Everyone's unhappy
Everyone's ashamed
Well we all just got caught looking
At somebody else's page
Well nothing ever went
Quite exactly as we planned
Our ideas held no water
But we used them like a damn

Oh, and we carried it all so well
As if we got a new position
Oh, and I laugh all the way to hell
Saying yes, this is a fine promotion
Oh, and I laugh all the way to hell

Of course everyone goes crazy
Over such and such and such
We made ourselves a ??
We just used it as a crutch
We were suddenly uncertain
At least I'm pretty sure I am
Well we didn't need the water
But we just built that go god damn

Oh, and I know this all myself
I stood in front for all the people
Oh, and I know this all myself
We listen while life hangs on
And the sound of life's sweet bliss

Was it ever worth it?
Was there all that much to gain?
Well we knew we missed the boat
And we'd already missed the plane
We didn't read the invite
We just dance at our wake
All our favorites were playing
So we could shake, shake, shake, shake, shake

Tiny curtains open and we heard the tiny clap of little hands
A tiny man would tell a little joke and get a tiny laugh from all the folks
Sitting drifting around in bubbles and thinking it was us that carried them
When we finally got it figured out that we had truly missed the boat

Oh, and we carried it all so well
As if we got a new position
Oh, and we owned all the tools ourselves
But not the skills to make a shelf with
Oh, what useless tools ourselves

Nineteen

In order to cope with certain things, I tend to turn them into jokes. Literally, an hour and a half ago I was joking around about something serious with Meg. I came home to an email saying that Donna's mom passed away this morning. She was fighting cancer for a long time now, it probably was at it's worst around the time I moved to Barrie. I literally just sat here staring at the computer screen, feeling so stupid and ignorant. Much how I've been feeling all day.

Two nights ago, Rae told us the very heavy story about her two friends that passed away, and since then I've had all these mixed emotions about how I view my life. There are moments in the day when i know I'm taking it for granted or being selfish and unrealistic. There are also moments when I look at the people that surround me every day and can't help but feel lucky that I'm surrounded by amazing, caring, one of a kind friends and family members. But today all that kept coming to mind, and as morbid as it sounds, was "if i were to find out i was dying, would I happy knowing I was going as the person I currently am? At the moment, I could probably say yes. Life is definitely something I couldn't possibly find a way to complain about. It's summer, I'm working, finding out and learning about new friends (and old), and just plain and simply smiling. Walking with Rae the other day, I was saying how there have been so many nights lately that so far make up "one of those summers". The kind where you look back and say "that was such a fun summer" and recite endless stories, barely being able to make it through from all the laughter while telling them. But something always finds it's way into making that perfection pull a 360; and I think the only reason for that, is because I let it. and why? Things happen, people say the wrong things, have the wrong opinions and views, break hearts, change, make mistakes, back stab. Money isn't always at a perfect flow, work doesn't always bring laid back days. It's not always sunny and it most definitely is not always the weekend. However, all those things are normal, and if they come once a month, then i should just be getting used to them, anticipating the end of it. Instead of letting myself slouch on a computer chair for hours, thinking of how unfortunately life is at the moment. When people are passing away, and leaving families and friends behind, or battling incurable diseases.

I'm in a weird head space today, but hopefully that'll change. Or get worse. But even at that, I can say that I'm lucky and wouldn't trade my life with anyone's, ever. Everyone that has been around me these past few months, (I don't even have to point you out) you are what's making my life feel charmed. And everyone who has been around for years, you're probably the reason there's always that counter 360 after a shitty day or week.

Eighteen

PART I - JALAL

This, is Jalal. I believe it was quite awhile back that we became acquainted within the thick,brick walls of Foufounes Electriques. We chit-chated about pointless nothings, and for several months, would run into each other on Thursdays as I sipped four free beers and the schmuck bought his own. Then on the night of Clerks movie night hosted by Mel Watson and Meg Duffy, Jalal decided to join us and we gossiped about ex's and dramatic experiences in Ontario. His beautiful, fake accent and wonderful massages make him the perfect candidate for a friend. Although he is horrible at telling stories, he does supply girls with two kinds of hairspray, light and bouncy; or firm hold. He is not a fan of cats who run under his bed without his permission and in cases like that, uses a water bottle and fierce old man-like screams to remove the cat from his bedroom. He doesn't have a bathroom door, and the garbage in his bathroom consists of empty toilet paper rolls, Kleenex and wrappers from ice cream bars. He doesn't like it when people touch his shoulder while talking to him, and is a victim of almost getting run over by speeding bike drivers. He changes about five different times before actually leaving the house and takes pictures of people sleeping at 6:30 in the morning. This is the Jay i know, so that was my story.


PART II- LAST NIGHT

Meg, Rae, Andrew and I attended the fireworks hosted by Mexico last night. They were shitty to begin with, then were REALLY pretty with all different colors as their grand finale. We then went to Drugstore, Meg went to bed cause she was sleepy. We encountered a real-life cowboy, a he-she, ballet dancers and a horner shooter boy. The song Umbrella by Rihanna was probably listened to about 20 times when we were at Andrew's after Drugstore, and I think his neighbors were a little upset. I woke up at 1:45, hung out for a bit then went home (practically dead) and right to Sunday dinner. (which, as usual, was interesting and fun)


I'm much too tired to write anything else right now. There isn't much to say anyway. This summer is amazing. Hopefully a trip to Cape Cod will happen soon!

Five day week at work this week, it's been awhile. But Cancer Bats are here Saturday! (excited to drink and dance with Mikey)

Have a good week!

Seventeen

It is finally Saturday, and I can't seem to wrap my head around how I made it through a full week of work without calling in sick once. Thursday and yesterday were a bit of a disaster seeing as i was 20 minutes late one day and an hour and a half late the next day for work, but none the less, I went. Aleasha a few months ago, would have quit if she didn't feel like going to work after a night of partying. Or in this case, i should say night(s) of partying.

This week has kind of been all over the place for me, emotionally. Actually i think it has been for every one around me as well.
The anticipation of waiting for Meg to come back finally came to an end. As soon as she called on Tuesday night saying she was back, I became instantly hyper and just couldn't wait to see her. But I couldn't' help but notice that as happy as she was to be back, it wasn't where she wanted to be, and I know that feeling to the tee, and it sucks. I back her decisions to move to Toronto in October, but can't help but be skeptical about the fact that what happened to me could happen to her. But i suppose you have to look at the comparison of the "other halves" in the relationships, and it doesn't worry me one bit, cause Blake is such a solid fellow.

I think it's safe to say that there is definitely a new found friendship between Rae and I. She is the most real, down to earth girl I have probably ever met. And I hope she sticks around for awhile with everything that has been going on. I've basically been living at her apartment all week and there have definitely been some interesting nights, and hard mornings. I'm gonna take initiative on looking for apartments for us and hopefully find something for August.
Speaking of new found friendships, as much as I constantly name call, pick on and make fun of Andrew, I am so happy a little triangle has been formed with him, Rae and I. No matter what we did this week, we were smiling and laughing. He's a good guy to have around as a friend, and I hope that one keeps growing as well. It's so nice to have all these new, and somewhat new, faces in my life. It's a really nice change and a break in pattern for me.

I haven't really liked anyone since Kyle, there have only been crushes and stupid flings, and I thought I was starting to like someone and it was somewhat of a nice feeling. But once again it built up and then fell to shit. I set myself up and I feel like an idiot. I always seem to end up choosing the ones that I know aren't good for me; maybe I like feeling helpless in the whole situation, i dunno.

Health wise, I think I'm getting there. Now that I'm a vegetarian, I feel like I'm eating so much better. In regards to saying I'm anorexic, I'm not. I know it's not something to joke about, and I feel kind of bad that I've said it around certain people. However, I have lost weight. I weighed myself at the beginning for the week and just now, and I've lost 5 pounds this week. Most likely due to the lack of sleep and I haven't been sitting at home on my ass eating. People think I'm crazy for wanting to lose weight, but i call it my "depression" weight from back in the winter, and i want it gone.
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow for something else that i was called in for, and I'm helplessly nervous, being a hypochondriac and all. They just want to be sure, because my first test results showed up kinda all over the place and abnormal. (I'll explain with better detail when I know what's going on. If i don't write about it, it's because everything is OK)

I haven't seen my parents in practically a week. Especially my father. I also haven't spoken to my brother in what seems to have been about a week as well. Which is one of the main reasons I'm taking a week off going out. I've spent so much time away from home, and I have a lot to catch up on.

Last night and Thursday night were fun. I have to say I expected a bit more out of it, but I'll take what i got. I am so happy that I saw Carly. It's been close to a year since I've seen her, and she is still exactly how I left her. (With shorter, pretty hair, however) I wish I had more time to hangout with her , or say goodbye for that matter. (I got excited for the trip to Taco Bell with Sacha, Mel, Cheapie and Shane) It was also amazing to meet Katie Brown, she was a fun girl to have around, always filled with positivity and smiles. Getting some of those dudes on the tour to dance with Rae and I was priceless. Dancing to Rhianna with Andrew just take the cake though.

Oh my, it seems like this entry has become long and probably tedious. I suppose I've summed it up enough anyway. Excited for a few shows coming up. (Tegan and Sara being one of them).

"I'm guilty of this you should know this
I broke down and wrote you back
before you had a chance to
Forget, forgotten, I am moving past this
giving notice"

Sixteen

“Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up."

Kevin Arnold knows best.

i've realized this week that it's much harder to hold on to something than let go.

Fifteen

Where should i even begin this one?

First off, this weekend was quite bizarre, yet quite amazing. (As i type this, i can't help but picture it being said with the annoying accent Andrew and Jay have influenced me to have) Rae adventured to my house friday, which resulted in me picking her up at a random bus stop due to paranoia in asking the bus driver where my street was. Bought some stuff at Wal-Mart, then headed back downtown. Met up with my brother and his friend and went to Zoobizarre. Which is quite "bizarre" if you ask me. It was like all the bad dancers in montreal collectively decided to go there that night. Saturday night, Andrew, Jay, Rae and I had a bbq at Andrew's and then went to Saint-Sulpice to meet up with some of the Crush Luther dudes since they had a show here that night. Got drunk, picked up a black girl from Nebraska (who i think actually ended up being gay, which scared me....alot) then climbed some metal poles, threw a lighter at a church, looked for baby jesus (he was sleeping) and joined a dance party on the street. Last night Ally got to montreal, we went to the fireworks at the old port (sucked) then went back to saint-sulpice and got a little tipsy then went back to Rae's. (interesting night, i might add) got spooned, woke up, sat outside for about 4 hours with Phil and Ally, watched a construction worker build a balcony (attempt to, i should say) then went home for a laundry break and went back to Rae's, hopefully cheered her up, had a bang fix and went home.

Interesting Facts:
I seemed to have lost my phone.
I can't stop speaking in this unknown, all over the place, accent.
Meg get backs tomorrow after being gone for 10 of the longest days of my life.
I have bangs, and look asian.
Truffles WAS a character on Mr. Dressup
Andrew Mcgrath is a dickwad
New shoes give you blisters.



I've read that Mugshot broke up. I'm sorry to hear that. I actually was kinda sad, I've had alot of fun at their shows and all those nights hearing them practice in their basement. Hope they all find something new to do.


I am OUT. i haven't slept in my bed all weekend. and it's calling my name.








oh and p.s. i love them ------>